I am in love ... today there is no happiness in me when I say that .... i wish somewhere I was not in love .. I wish i could just disappear ... into the dark night and never come back ... I wish I could stop crying ... I wish I would stop feeling so helpless .... so sad all the time ....
I always thought that when love came calling my miseries would end ... That I would have unconditional love ... that my love would be simple .... But i guess love brings with it a lot more pain ... its like a slow knife twisting deeper and deeper ... so that at first the hurt seems like a pinch then it festers ... and suddenly you find the knife deep inside ... you cant pull it out because you know it means death .. and if you leave it there it means you die a slow death anyways ....

Sure love has it moments ... its beautiful moments when the pain seems almost worth it ..

That is what life is all about right ... no pain no gain ....
i guess this is life's way of giving me a reality check .... telling me that everything does not come in a platter ....
I wonder if I am that bad ... I must be right .. otherwise why is it that people take advantage of me ? Is it because I don’t play games .. I don’t ask for much ?? is it wrong that my love is unconditional ... that all I ask for in return for the person to show me basic care ... and love .... might be my demands are too much ... why would anyone want to give me this love ... i am not pretty .. I am not that intelligent ... when i think about it all I am is a nice person ... that’s not enough is it ???
who will answer all my questions ?? Today I stand alone ... all alone .. and i am fighting .. What for I wonder ... who for?? Is it even worth it ... ??

I have so much inside of me... so much that is buried deep within.. but it keeps churning up at odd moments just to remind me that its there .. like hot lava rising to the surface ... it will erupt one day... and I know that he will not be able to take it...
I feel like giving up ... I am losing control... putting too many feelings into one person... I am starting to depend... to care too much... and he has come into that closed circle where he matters … I don’t like people getting that close... because it means that they have the power to hurt me … and... it's scary... because no matter what anyone thinks... I know that losing him will shatter me ... I haven’t allowed myself to feel this way about anybody...
Right now... all I feel like doing is breaking something... like breaking a lot of things... I feel like picking up whatever comes in front of me and hurling....
Its like a storm that has been brewing for the longest time and is now threatening to break ... I am sacred of it ... I don't want to be there in that situation where I become mindless ... where I can see nothing except red haze and an outlet for my anger .... I keep trying to calm myself down... but very soon it will take me over... and it will be out of my control....
I am trying to gather my life and make sense of it... but everything is happening too fast... too many people pushing me ... and I can’t handle that feeling... I have discovered that I am a person who likes things at a steady pace ... and every time I hurtle into something without thinking ... it ends a disaster...
I guess I have to take the plunge …trust him … and rise above this storm… to see where its takes me from here …

Who am I?? Why am I here?? ... these two questions are the ones I ask myself over and over again .. I still don’t have answers .. I wonder when I will have a clearer picture ..

How does one find out? … I wish we came with manuals .. so we could study them and know exactly how to go about our lives …
That is the practical me talking… the other me that’s more mindless and thinks who cares .. if I was meant to do something it will come about when the time comes … or might be I am already at it ….
Within me I have three people who exist .. the practical me .. the impulsive me and the neutral me. ..
Its like standing in between two extremes and hearing them argue … sometime its tiring … to the third me .. who seems to just sit back and observe the world going about .. that me is serene .. no confusion .. her role is just to observe and retain .. and act like a database for the other two to draw upon for inspiration or arguments …

I wish sometimes that I could do just that... take the world at my own pace not worry about everything or care enough about everything ..
I seem to swing between two extremes … and now its tiring... I guess I want to find the real me in all this confusion ..
Am I a worrier a.. a planner and a sensible person .. one whose mind rules the thought process .. one who is cynical and trained not to trust ..
Or should I be completely impulsive .. Throw plans to the wind and take life as it comes.. love unconditionally .. trust without the fear of getting hurt … believe .. in me and people around me .. Listen… love .. laugh .. play and live life …

I wish I could come to a compromise between the two … I want a little of each …

My mind is like this messy cupboard that I haven’t cleaned I years ,… I need to sit down pull out all the thoughts … throw away the ones that don’t fit and are useless and neatly store away the ones that will help me be myself .. that help me form a base for being who I am … what I should think like …
Might be then I will find the answer to who I am .. and what I am here for.

Falling into to you

I have never felt this good .... never felt this wanted ... The fact that I can fall in love .. so willingly and wholeheartedly was an alien concept .. some thing I had read and scoffed at ....
But love has swept me off my feet .. and taught me to fly .. gloriously without any hindrances and any fear ....
Its a contentment so deep its fills me completely .... I am in love ...


And in your eyes I see ribbons of colour
I see us inside of each other
I feel my unconscious merge with yours
And I hear a voice say, "What's his is hers"
I'm falling into you
This dream could come true
And it feels so good falling into you

I was afraid to let you in here
Now I have learned love can't be made in fear
The walls begin to tumble down
And I can't even see the ground
I'm falling into you
This dream could come true
And it feels so good falling into you
Falling like a leaf,
falling like a star
Finding a belief,
falling where you are
Catch me, don't let me drop!
Love me, don't ever stop!

So close your eyes
and let me kiss you
And while you sleep
I will miss you
I'm falling into you
This dream could come true
And it feels so good falling into you
Falling like a leaf,
falling like a star
Finding a belief,
falling where you are
Falling into you

A decent conversation ...

Its so nice to connect... Isn’t it?? Specially when its with a person of the same sex ... there are no hassles of worrying about saying what’s right … at least once you get past that stage where you are still getting to now whether the person is really on your wave length … then its just a deeper bond that you form with your friend… where you can talk about the most abstract things… share those stupid thoughts that hit you at two in the night when sleep eludes you …. Its absolute delight when I can just pick a random thought from my head and hold a discussion over it … just because I feel like …. God knows I have a million thoughts and any given point ….

I take a long time to connect … oh a lot of people connect to me … since I am what you call a really good listener … but that is not a conversation it’s a monologue where they talk I listen … offering a comment or two and some sound advice at the end …. I often play the role of agony aunt ….
Connecting for me is where I can hold a conversation … it’s an amazing feeling... When I feel I can hesitantly offer a little glimpse of my life to a person and they are in total sync … its actual delight … for one I feel that my thoughts and ideals are not abnormal… Secondly it’s a relief to have someone listen … its not like I don’t have stuff to talk about ... its more like most people are not really interested …
I have so many friends who regularly call up or meet with me .. to talk … and they feel good about themselves … I don’t really mind .. but I know that they don’t really want to know what I am really about .. they would rather believe that my life is all hunky dory and if its not then they don’t want to know … The thing is I prefer it that way .. I don’t want the world and its cousins to know exactly what makes me tick …
I sat with a friend the other day and we were chatting about everything and anything … I love doing that … just sitting and having a conversation about whatever takes my fancy .. a great book I read .. How hunky that guy that passed by looks … how much I adore a new song … and lots of talk about love ... Finding it… Keeping it ... and waiting for it … It gives me so much pleasure … a day well spent ….

I sit in a crowded place ... so many people swirling around me... yet I am alone ... Its like I am screaming at the top of my voice... but only I can hear my anguished screams … I feel the loneliness prick at me ...like sharp needles slowly entering my flesh... and somewhere I am starting to believe that this is the way life will be forever ….
It’s like I have a wall around me ... built so that I can see the world but the world can't see me.... I want to break it down and go into the world... talk with the now familiar faces I keep seeing around me... but somewhere I am so afraid.... I know I have built this wall myself... Brick by brick... wanting to believe I want to be alone... aloof... I don’t need the world... I can live and fight alone...
I realized that when you turn your back to the world the world just closes you out they don't need you ... The need was mine...
That fact shattered me ... how could I need something so badly ... I feel broken and unwanted … the people I did call mine are slowly trickling away... its like life is playing a cruel joke on me .. Having the last laugh at my expense …
I now want a place that I can call mine... a niche where I am recognized a part of this mad world... I need to be surrounded by love ... an immense affection that is only for me ... I need to belong … even just one person who I can call mine .. someone who wont be taken away from me … because that person would need me as much as I need him …
I am standing here … waiting … the crowd still swirling around me …. Hoping that some will come and hold on to me … and save me from destruction …

Tired of Fighting

Life is a constant battle … each aspect of life comes with a different set of rules and to change them one has to relentlessly fight them; of course the thought of submitting to the rules never occurred to me... The day I submit to them life will cease to exist... because I might as well die before I submit.

The fight to live... just to exist, the fight for freedom... the right to choose... or to speak... the right to your own space... to maintain your individuality or you end up becoming a clone of the people around you… another yuppie with a horrible mixed accent , large salary .. Foul mouthed and loud … without any particular destination or purpose they just become a part of the herd... or a part of the large group of unknown faces in the crowd... blending in till they all appear to be the same.

In that crowd you sometimes find helpless people trying their best to get out... Pushing with all their might... To be different... what they don’t realize is the strength of the herd... it carries you whether you like it or not … once you are in you can’t get out... But they can rise above it and prevent getting into a stampede.

I don’t want to get into the crowd… never have never will … To be recognized as an individual who is unique and different has always been a priority…. It could be the way I dress or the way I speak and think or simply the way I command attention …
You have to be different to survive and survive well... else the challenge in life is over…

Even love comes with to me screaming and kicking all the way …
There are too many rules … and I keep breaking them … hopefully my love survives ….

I don’t understand rules.
Who made them?? Who decides they are right??? And most importantly who died and made this person boss??

I always believe life is about choices … and you can choose to live life in your style the way you want to …
If somebody else was meant to make up the rules why do we have a brain..??
Its not just an accessory to the body its there because we can also think and decide.. see what is the best choice for us as a person or individual not because everyone says its right …

But I have to be constantly on my toes to make sure I don’t get into the crowd … its difficult and tiring... and sometimes I just feel like giving up and letting go … falling down...
They are surviving as well right?? And somewhere they are happy as well …
It takes a lot to pull me back from that stage … and resume ground